My Fellow Americans.

People of all races, creeds and colors.

People of all shapes, sizes and fetishes.

People who prefer Italian to Tex Mex.

Today we are facing the most important election, not just of our lives, but that of our ancestors, whose ballots are still being counted.

As you know, my opponents have made many empty promises of how they will vote on this issue and that. Liars all!

I on the other hand make only one promise to you: I promise you, my fellow Americans, that I will flipflop on each and every issue you care about. You deserve nothing less.

Thank you for your vote.

You may now applaud wildly.